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Ginny's Basic Instinct (Annotated)
Ginny's Basic Instinct (Annotated) - Chapter 1: Ginny's Basic Instinct (Annotated) by Sovran
Fri, 08/21/2009 - 01:59Author's NoteThis is an annotated version of Ginny's Basic Instinct which attempts to explain - or at least identify - all of the jokes, cliches, references, and other odd devices in the story. Just hover your mouse over an underlined word or phraseYup, like that to see the annotation.
Ginny’s Basic Instinct
Category: Alternate Universe, Mary Sue Challenge (2009-3)
Genres: Crossover, Fluff, General, RomanceIn the spirit of the challenge, I wanted to list the story in every category, every genre, and with every warning. But I decided it wouldn’t be nice to mislead future readers who might not know about the challenge.
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Sexual Situations
Rating: PG-13
Reviews:
Summary: A new student appears at Hogwarts. Read to find out who! Yes, the lame summary is deliberate.
Chapter 1: GodsendAll of the chapter titles are actual episode titles from Heroes. Lucky, eh?
Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley shared a compartment on their way to Hogwarts for their seventh year Ginny’s in seventh year, too, though this is the only time it’s mentioned of school. Harry and Ginny sat on one side, and Harry’s hand rested casually on Ginny’s thigh, tucked halfway beneath her modest uniform skirt Random and pointless sexualization of just about everything.. They had started dating over the summer when Harry realized that Ginny was a really good flyer Common shortcut.. And besides, she was totally hot. Harry admitted to himself that that was probably the primary reason he had asked her out.
He took a moment to stare at Ginny as she talked with Hermione. The redhead truly was a knockout. Her long hair hung down to her arse Fixation on only two common features (hair and breasts), though the bum gets a cameo. Unnecessary, long descriptions., and it was always perfectly smooth and neat even though it seemed to get caught on something every five minutes. She had unbuttoned the top of her shirt, and from Harry’s vantage point he could see the top edge of her bra and the tantalizing valley between her breasts. They were not the largest breasts Harry had ever seen, but Ginny was only four foot ten, so her C-cups (Harry had measured carefully) made her wonderfully voluptuous Exaggeration of Ginny’s size, both vertically and in cups.. Besides, Harry was sure that her petite stature would come in handy someday. He did wonder, though, how she had gone from almost flat-chested to her current curvaceousness Random transformation from canon to make things prettier. in the few weeks he had spent at Privet Drive that summer.
Harry was quite fond of the rest of Ginny, including the smooth, muscularGinny’s legs are always athletic or muscular or somesuch. Personally, I’m not convinced that playing Quidditch would yield that result, though it is possible. thigh currently beneath his hand, but honestly . . . how could he be expected to notice anything else about her when she had such fabulous hair and truly epic breasts? He was only human.
Harry had worried at first that Ron would object to their relationship, being Ginny’s older brother and known for making stupid decisions with little justification. Ron, however, did not care in the least. After all, Ron said, he was not interested in Harry for himself, so Ginny was welcome to him. That had shut Harry up. Pointless mention of homosexuality, plus a jab at Ron’s overprotectiveness.
Ron and Hermione sat on the opposite side of the compartment. Hermione, Harry had to admit, was almost completely unattractive Exaggerating Hermione in the opposite direction – influenced by HP the Musical (now known as “A Very Potter Musical”)., but she had a very sweet face. All things considered, Ron was lucky that she loved him for some reason. Ron had his long arm draped over Hermione’s shoulders, and his dangling hand kept inching closer to her chest – what there was of it - but he had not yet made contact. Harry was sure that Hermione would stop him soon; she was certainly not the kind of girl who would let her boyfriend feel her up when other people were present. Implied author’s hypocrisy, as that’s what Ginny’s doing.
“I think England’s greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston,” Hermione was saying.
“Oh, please,” Ginny replied, huffing spectacularly and rolling her eyes. “It was Pitt the Elder, everyone knows that.”
“Lord Palmerston!” Hermione insisted.
“Pitt the Elder!” With Ginny’s dulcet voice, even shouting was musical to Harry.
“That’s it, Weasley!” This little exchange is borrowed almost verbatim from The Simpsons.
Hermione started to rise from the bench, but the compartment door slid open, and she stopped suddenly. Harry looked away from his beloved girlfriend and saw . . .
It was not human, he was sure of that. It was much too beautiful. Yet it did not have the cold grace of a Veela, either. Whatever it was, it was definitely female, and that was good enough for Harry. He snatched his hands into his lap and slid closer to the magnificent creature standing in the doorway. Instant and complete rejection of Ginny when presented with something marginally prettier, as Harry is so often easily tempted in Sue-fics.
She was petite, though not as grotesquely short Reversal of opinion re: Ginny and even his acknowledgement of her name. as Ron’s sister, and she had long, blonde hair that looked as though it had just been caressed by the carefully-controlled breeze of a wind machine at a photo shoot Jab at Claire in Heroes, who rarely looks any worse than ‘artfully mussed’ or ‘attractively wounded’, and perhaps a jab at Hayden P. at the same time.. She wore a halter top that plunged wonderfully down her front, revealing sun-kissed skin with no tan line in sight. The bottom of the plunge showed not only the gap between her breasts but also the sides of the breasts themselves. Her breasts were beyond epic; they were some variety of incredible that no-one had found a word for yet. Harry could not see how they were possibly staying up Clear implication that they’re fake, especially if you’re familiar with the actress (she’s not large in any dimension). More Hollywood magic that somehow finds its way into stories., so he concluded that she was naturally buoyant. The idea certainly matched the perfection of the rest of her.
The bottom hem of the shirt stopped just a few inches further down, revealing her midriff from the bottom of her ribcage, down her toned stomach, and along the smooth curve of her hips. Harry’s gaze stopped at the top of her low-slung jeans Which weren’t really fashionable until after 1997, to my knowledge., wishing he could see just another inch or two of her body. Fortunately, the jeans were almost impossibly tight, so he had no trouble seeing how spectacular her legs were.
“Hi, everybody!” the vision said. Her voice was a bit lower than Harry had expected, but it was cheerful and full of promise for what it would sound like in other situations.
Miraculously, Harry managed to speak. “Hi, umm . . .”
“I’m Claire,” she said. “Claire B- . . . oh, ahh, Boingit. I should hope this is obvious. Everyone who sees her watches her bounce, and most of them want to ‘boing’ her. Also Claire being a bit stupid. Claire Boingit.”
“What sort of name is ‘Boingit’?” Hermione asked.
“Well . . . I don’t know. But it’s my name, see?” Claire responded. Then, without any warning, she thrust one fist straight above her head and kicked one shapely leg almost up to her nose. “Go Boingit!” she shouted. Insert the cheerleader cliché, with a dash of random exhibitionism.
Harry watched the bizarre maneuver for several seconds after it ended That’s the ‘boinging’, see?. “Oh, I get it,” he muttered.
“Aww, aren’t you sweet?” Claire’s accent mangled all of her vowels in a way that reminded Harry vaguely of someone he had once known from Devon In how they’re perceived by men (i.e. as attractive), Devonshire accents in girls are said to be similar to southern US twangs.. From Claire, however, it was unbearably arousing. “What’s your name, sugar Taking the twang idea even further, way beyond canon-Claire.?”
Harry stood up and extended his hand. “Potter. Harry Potter.”James Bond
She took his hand, and Harry shook it a little more forcefully More random sexualization and Harry being a cad. than was necessary, but she did not seem to mind. “Harry Potter?” she asked. “I’ve heard that name somewhere before.”
Someone behind Harry spoke up in a shrill, waspish voice. “He defeated Lord Voldemort when he was a baby. Everybody knows that.”
“Oh, yeah, y’all!” Claire said, smiling up at Harry. “I remember now. I read about that in, like, fourth grade or something. Good job, Harry.”
He straightened and tossed his fringe away from his forehead Completely, utterly OOC for Harry.. “It was nothing. Do you want to sit with us?”
“You’re sweet, hon, but I’ve got my own little room on this train Of course she has her very own compartment.. I’m just going around to all the compartments, introducing myself and saying hi to everybody.” She giggled musically. “I just love making an entrance, and this train is full of doors!”
“Thanks for offering, though,” Claire said. She stepped forward, leaned up (Harry quickly looked down), and kissed Harry on the cheek. “I’ll see y’all later.”
“Definitely,” Harry said.
Claire left the compartment, and Harry was not surprised to find that the back of her was just as flawless as the front of her. A few moments after the door closed, he turned around and returned to his seat. Fortunately, the person sitting next to him had moved closer to the wall, leaving him plenty of room to sit in solitude and think about Claire Boingit.
***
When all of the new first-years had been Sorted, the students in the Great Hall paused, making no sound as they waited It’s impossible for 200-ish students in the same room to be silent, but somehow they always are.. Finally, Professor McGonagall said, “Hem-hem Mary-Sue Authors’ tendency to use bits of canon inappropriately, just because they’re handy. McG is not Umbridge.. Boingit, Claire Read properly, this could be an instruction..”
The doors to the Hall opened, and Claire Boingit walked lightly through them. For whatever reason, she had not changed into school robes, which made the cheerful bounce in her step quite prominent School rules do not apply to her and never will.. Smiling broadly at everyone, she flounced down the aisle, spun gracefully, and perched on the old, three-legged stool.
McGonagall held up the hat and paused. “I’m sorry, dear. I’m supposed to put this on your head, but I’d hate to muss such lovely hair. McG is OOC.”
“Oh, don’t worry, ma’am. It always looks good.”
The professor nodded, but she lowered the hat onto Claire’s head with a look of impending tragedy. The moment it settled onto her flowing blonde tresses, the hat straightened into a perfectly smooth cone Obvious, I think.. “Oh, my!” it said.
The rest of the students remained silent for a few minutes Apparently they’re not even breathing.. Finally, the hat exhaled loudly and sagged into its usual shape. “Amazing,” it said. “Simply amazing.”
“Thank you,” Claire said politely.
“My dear, dear girl,” the hat said. “I have no idea which house to Sort you into. You would be an absolute paragon of any house at Hogwarts. I’ve never met someone so clever, so faithful, so driven, or so courageous She’s Mary Sue. Flawless by definition.. You humble me.”
“Aww, you’re sweet,” Claire said. “I have to be in some house, though, don’t I?”
“I suppose. Perhaps . . . perhaps you could simply choose for yourself, Miss Boingit. I would be honored to learn from your selection.”
The blonde nodded. “Well, all right. Let’s see . . . oh, I know! My uniform back home was red, and our mascot was the lion A light touch of actual author insertion on my part. This describes my own high school..” She pumped one fist into the air and shouted, “Go Lions!” Looking up at the banners adorning the Hall, she said, “So I’ll take the one that’s red with a lion So inanely nonchalant…. Which is that?”
“Gryffindor, my dear McG, who isn’t openly fond of anyone, is a big fan of Claire for no apparent reason.,” McGonagall said, beaming. “My very own house.”
“Well, I’ll take Gryffindor. I get to wear red, right?”
McGonagall nodded. “I’m sure we can work something out.”
“GRYFFINDOR!” the hat shouted.
The Gryffindors all cheered, and students in the other three houses could be heard sobbing uncontrollably. Claire lifted the hat off of her head, but she paused when the hat shrieked. “Wait!”
“What’s wrong?” Claire asked, looking up at its battered brim.
“I’ve never met someone so wonderful, so spectacularly flawless. I’m sure I’ll never find anyone else like you. Can I . . .” The hat took a deep breath. “Can I be your hat, Miss Boingit This is mostly for my own amusement.?”
Claire lowered the hat into her lap and stroked it gently. “Aww, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me. What’s your name, hon?”
“My name?” the hat asked.
“Sure. You’ve got to have a name.”
“Well, yes, I do. It’s Sorting Hat These days, it seems like everyone (myself included) is naming the silly hat.. Everyone knows that. Didn’t you hear Minerva introduce me?”
“All right, Mr. Hat South Park . . .”
“Please, call me Sorting.”
“Thanks. You can call me Claire. The thing is, Sorting, that people need you. I’d love to have you as my hat, but then what would Hogwarts do to Sort people?”
The hat twisted in her hands. “But I would rather be your hat. I’d be a very good hat, you know. I don’t have to look like this. I can be anything that goes on your head.” With a soft belching noise Jab at Echoes of Power, with a slight uppercut at MoO., the hat transformed into a pink Alice band with rhinestones along the edges. “See?”
“That’s really nice, Sorting, but I think Hogwarts needs you. You’re so good at Sorting that they named it after you, didn’t they? Only a brainless hat would fall for this one. That’s pretty special.”
The hat burped again and turned back into its usual shape. “I suppose,” it said, its pointed tip drooping.
“Don’t worry, I’ll come and visit you sometimes,” Claire said. “We’ll be great friends.”
“But . . . but I love you!”
With a smile and a final pat of the hat’s brim, Claire handed it back to Professor McGonagall and stood up. Miraculously, empty seats appeared next to half of the students All of the males and a few females. Which, by definition, means that there are gaps between all of the students. Neat trick, eh? at the Gryffindor table. Claire scanned the house quickly and then moved to sit next to Harry.
“Hi,” he choked out.
“Hey, Harry,” Claire said. She turned her head away from him, giving him a lovely view of her honey-coloured curls Grandiose hair descriptions for the Mary Sue Litmus Test.. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I got your name on the train. I’m Claire.”
“Ginny Weasley,” the person on her other side said.
“I’m happy to meet you, Ginny.” Claire looked across the table, and Ron and Hermione introduced themselves in turn. That led to a few minutes of confusion as everyone within earshot, including several Hufflepuffs, shouted out their names. She did not look back at Harry until the distant introductions faded into the background noise of the Great Hall. “Everyone’s so friendly here, aren’t they?”
“Yeah.”
Ron cleared his throat. “That was really nice how you handled the hat. It’s not every day that someone shouts they love you, eh?”
“It’s special every time, of course It’s pretty commonplace for her, actually. There’s even a whole movie about it now, though I’ve not seen it.,” Claire said, placing three sprigs of parsley It’s a well-known fact that cheerleaders don’t eat, right? on her plate. “But eventually you learn to be kind about it. It’s just a really nice compliment.”
“In that case, I love you, too Except he’s not kidding…,” Harry said.
Claire smiled and patted him on the head, and they both began laughing.
A few minutes later, when Claire had finished her parsley He was waiting for her. She’s perfect, after all., Dumbledore stood up and gestured for quiet. “Welcome, everyone, to another year at Hogwarts. I have just a few announcements before I send you off to your warm beds.
“Secondly, I am saddened to inform you that all of the male prefects from last year have either vanished or been defrocked Deus ex Machina at work.. Therefore I must appoint a Head Boy from the seventh-year population. It is my pleasure to announce that Harry Potter will fill that role this year.”
Many of the students applauded, and Claire turned to Harry. “Head Boy? Is that good?”
“Uhh . . . yeah. It’s like being in charge of the students who are in charge of the other students.”
“Oh, so you’re like head cheerleader Stereotypical cheerleader ego, though I’m well aware that many/most actual cheerleaders aren’t like that.! Congratulations!”
Ron snorted. “Defrocked. That’s not how I’d put it. They didn’t give any reason at all.”
“I’m sorry, Ron,” Hermione said. “It’s terribly unfair.”
Dumbledore cleared his throat. “I must also appoint new male prefects. I hereby appoint Michael Corner, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Theodore Nott, and Ron Weasley I deliberately ignored the fact that, with Harry as Head Boy, there probably shouldn’t be a seventh-year male prefect in Gryffindor. Claire needed people nearby to boss around (R&Hr), so I made it that way. as seventh-year prefects.”
“What the bloody hell?” Ron muttered.
Harry grinned. “Congratulations, Ron.”
“I always knew that the selection of a Head Girl for this year would be easy,” Dumbledore continued. “I must admit, however, that I never expected it to be quite this easy. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Claire Boingit as our new Head Girl You had to know it was coming..”
Almost everyone in the Hall applauded thunderously. Amidst the tumult, Claire threw her arm across Harry’s shoulders and squeezed him gleefully. “So that means we’re, like, co-heads or something!”
“Yeah,” Harry said, grinning. “Yeah, something like that.”
“So what do we have to do?”
“For now, just make sure the prefects are doing what they’re supposed to.”
“Okay. Who’s a prefect?”
Harry nodded across the table. “Ron and Hermione, for starters.”
As Dumbledore dismissed everyone, Claire rose to her feet. “All right, you two. Do what you’re supposed to. And don’t forget that Gryffindor is the best house at Hogwarts! Woo!” This, then, is the crux of a cheerleader’s role in many people’s opinions. All mouth and no trousers, as they say. And as Harry hopes. (Sorry for that . . . I couldn’t resist.) She pumped her fist into the air again.
Beaming, Ron and Hermione Victims of the Mary Sue never seem to mind that they’re victims, do they? moved away and began rounding up the first-year Gryffindors. Professor McGonagall waded through the crowd to Harry and Claire. “Mr. Potter, Miss Boingit. If you will proceed to the eighth floor of Gryffindor Tower, you’ll find the Heads’ suite prepared for your use.”
“The eighth floor?” Harry asked. “I didn’t know there was an eighth floor. I’ve been at the very top for six years. Deus ex machina again, along with the “heads’ suite” cliché.”
“There wasn’t one before, but there is now,” McGonagall said. “No one will be able to see it except you two and anyone you bring with you.”
Harry shrugged and turned back to Claire. “Come on, I’ll show you.” Leaving the rest of the Gryffindors to their own devices Because nothing defines Harry more than abandoning his friends without thought or worry., Harry led her out of the Hall and up the moving staircases to the Fat Lady.
“Oh, heavens,” the portrait said, her eyes widening when she spotted Claire. “Come right in, dear Mary Sue doesn’t need a password.. And Mr. Potter, too. How nice.”
“This is the common room,” Harry said as he helped Claire step through the portrait hole. “We spend time here, do our revision, that sort of thing.”
“It looks really homey,” she said. “Like a coffee house or something.”
Harry nodded, though he was not sure what she meant about a house made of coffee. “Yeah, just like that. Let’s go find that suite.”
In a moment of selfless courtesy News flash: it isn’t., Harry gestured for Claire to precede him up the stairs. The trip to the top of Gryffindor tower had never seemed so short or so interesting to him. As promised, an eighth flight of stairs led them to an eighth landing with a single door. Inside was a smaller replica of the common room, complete with a miniature fireplace containing a pile of burning twigs Taking the “miniature common room” cliché a bit too far.. Two doors stood open, leading to identical rooms which each contained a four-poster bed, a wardrobe, and a small bathroom. Harry’s familiar school trunk waited at the foot of one bed, and a pile of brown bags with the letter V stamped all over them Claire would inevitably have a complete set of Louis Vuitton luggage. covered the foot of the other.
“So here we are,” Harry said. “Not bad, eh?”
“It’s really lovely. Like living in an antique store.”
“Yeah, exactly. So . . . err . . . do you want to go to bed now, or go back to the common room, or . . .”
“Oh, I don’t think I could sleep yet,” Claire said. “This has all been so exciting. Just let me change right quick, okay? Then we can hang out up here or go back downstairs if you’d like.”
“Sure, definitely,” Harry said, grinning. “I’ll just wait here.”
“Thanks. I know it seems silly, but I just can’t stand to wear this much indoors if I don’t have to Only a Mary Sue written by the opposite gender would ever say such a thing.. I’d rather be comfortable, you know?” Smiling again, she turned and went into her room, closing the door behind her.
For several seconds, Harry stood and stared at the blank door. Then he turned a chair to face the door and sank into it, trying to force his face into an expression of polite interest This can actually be quite a challenge for teenage boys.. Unfortunately, his delirious grin kept forcing its way to the surface.
Twenty minutes later You know it’s accurate., the door opened and Claire emerged. She had changed into a crimson silk nightgown with spaghetti straps and a heart-shaped neckline. The fabric clung to her hips and then flared gently down to her knees, where it ended with a few inches of translucent lace1. pointless description of clothes; 2. no realistic woman would wear this in front of a man who is not her paramour. None but Mary Sue, of course..
Harry’s eyes quickly made their way back up to her face, and he was proud to say that they only made a few stops along the way. “Err . . . are you cold? Do I have to explain this?”
“No. Why?”
“No reason. You look nice.”
“Thank you, Harry. You’re sweet.”
He gestured to the chair across from him. “Do you want to talk for a bit and go down to the common room later? I can, you know, answer any questions you may have.”
“Sure!” Claire bounced across the room and settled into the chair, folding her smooth, creamy legs beneath her.
“Actually, if you don’t mind, I have a question first,” Harry said. At her nod, he continued. “Where did you come from? Why are you here?”
“Oh, that. I’m from a town called Odessa This is straight from Heroes. in Texas. You know what Texas is, right?”
“Sure. Cowboys and such, right?”
“Yep! I grew up there, but . . . well, things have gotten a bit rough there for me lately. It’s a long story. So I decided to spend my senior year at Hogwarts. I’ve always loved y’all’s accents.”
“Good for us, eh?” Harry said.
“Oh, Harry,” Claire said, leaning forward to squeeze his knee. “You really are the sweetest.”
“Thanks. Did you . . . err . . . did you see that village when we got off the train? Hogsmeade?”
“Sure. It looks like something off a post card.”
Harry marveled for a moment that she could say so many things he did not understand yet agreed with completely The canon characters never seem to question the Mary Sue when s/he says something they shouldn’t understand in the least.. “That’s it. So, sometimes they let us go to Hogsmeade on weekends. It’s a big outing. People go down there with friends or . . . or whatever. So I was wondering if you’d, you know, like to go with me Harry is well-known for asking girls out quickly, with no real difficulty or doubt whatsoever. Right?. Whenever they let us go, I mean. There’s this really nice little tea shop And he loves Madame Puddifoot’s. there, and . . .”
“Oh, Harry,” Claire said again, squeezing him again to stop his bout of verbal incontinence. Then she leaned back in her chair and smiled gently. “I have a boyfriend back home, Harry, and I love him all to pieces.”
“Oh. Well . . . that’s good.”
“It’s the best thing in the world,” she said. “Why are you asking me out, anyway? Just to be nice? ‘Cause I saw you and Ginny together on the train, and I can tell you two are completely in love with each other The Mary Sue is perfect. In order to be perfect, she must always be right. Always. If she says something not-right, reality changes to make it right. And how could she know this? Harry was completely ignoring Ginny on the train when Claire was there. (Come to think of it, that comment was a Wal-Mart joke.).”
Harry blinked. Of course he loved Ginny. How could he have forgotten?
He grinned. “Well, I just thought it would be polite. I didn’t want you to be lonely.”
Claire squealed and bounced up onto her knees, leaning forward eagerly. “So you are in love! I knew it. I can always tell.”
“Yeah, we are. Me and Ginny,” Harry said, finally managing to remain focused on her face He loves Ginny again, so he’s no longer enraptured by Claire’s breasts. Because she’s always right, see?. “She’s wonderful.”
“I bet she is. She just seemed like she wasn’t feeling well tonight at dinner.”
“Did she?” Harry asked, embarrassed that he had not noticed. “Do you mind if we go on downstairs, then? I want to make sure she’s okay. We’ll be roommates, more or less, so I can answer questions anytime you want.”
“Of course, Harry. Let me get my robe.”
Harry had no idea why she would want to wear her school uniform when she had not worn it for the feast, but he nodded. She disappeared into her room and emerged a moment later wearing a long dressing gown that matched her nightdress For anyone else intending to enter a public room full of strangers, this would not be a wardrobe option, though it’s better than just the gown.. Together, they descended the stairs to the common room.
Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were sitting in front of the fire Somehow Harry and his friends always get to sit in front of the fire, even when they’re first and second years., and several other students were scattered around the room in small groups. When Harry and Claire appeared, Ron stood up and moved away from his place in the middle of the sofa. Hermione followed him to a loveseat nearby, but Ginny remained on the end of the sofa with her arms crossed.
“Hi, y’all,” Claire said, curling up at the opposite end of the sofa.
Harry sat between the two girls and turned to Ginny. “Hi.”
She scowled and did not look at him. “Hello, Harry.”
“Are you feeling all right? Claire said you didn’t sound very good at dinner.”
“What do you care?” Ginny asked. “I’m surprised you and Claire even bothered to come down from your little love-nest A dash of angry!Ginny, just for kicks. And to build pointless tension that resolves almost instantly..”
“What?” Harry asked. “Ginny . . . how could you say that? She loves her boyfriend back in America, and I love you. You know that.”
She turned and met his eyes, her own brown orbs glistening. “You do?”
“Of course I do. What’s not to love? Claire is always right. Completely right, every time.”
Ginny threw herself forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I love you, too, Harry. I’m sorry I ever doubted you. I guess I’m just moody today. Please don’t make me explain this. I hate myself for it already.”
Harry, who was enjoying the feeling of her chest pressing against his He’s still himself, after all. He’s just switched to a different object of obsession (or two)., decided he was not concerned with her mood. “It’s fine, love. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
Ginny released him and climbed quickly into his lap. He put his hand atop her crossed legs, and his eyes immediately found the inviting neckline of her uniform shirt. Grinning mischievously at him, Ginny reached across the sofa and pulled Claire’s attention away from her conversation with Ron and Hermione. “Hello.”
“Hi, Ginny. You feeling okay?”
“Yes, thank you. I wasn’t myself at dinner today, so I just wanted to introduce myself again.”
“Don’t worry, we all have days like that,” Claire said, winking.
“Harry tells me you have a boyfriend back in America. How could you stand to leave him? I’d go spare Except that she didn’t have him for a few hours, and she’s fine. In fact, she’s completely forgotten it. without Harry.”
Claire nodded, her smile fading to a look of flawless martyrdom. “It’s awful, it really is. But I can email him or text him anytime, and I’m going to call him every night. We’re even going to set up dates on Skype so I can actually see him sometimes. Electronics at Hogwarts and anachronistic technology in general.”
Ginny did not know what many of those words meant, but she nodded. “That’ll be nice. What’s he like, anyway?”
“He must be pretty special if you love him,” Harry added.
Claire smiled and looked at Ginny. “Is he always this sweet?”
“Always,” Ginny said. Borrowed pretty directly from Phantom Limb. “Actually, he’s even sweeter when we’re alone. Erm . . . yeah. Sorry for this.”
“Good for you. Anyway, my boyfriend . . .” Claire trailed off and sighed, a dreamy expression overtaking her face. “He’s incredible. You all seem like really nice folks, but he’s . . . he’s indescribable. He totally made me who I am today Literally.. I mean, he’s like, my Saviour Author insertion, of course. Savior sounds somewhat similar to sovereign (and the archaic alternate spelling ‘sovran’). I originally thought the words shared a root, but I was wrong. Oh well. or something, you know?”
A small crowd of students had gathered around the fire, listening to Claire, and they all nodded knowingly.
“I mean it. I was on this really bad path, and-” She broke off and looked around at the group. “By the way, are any of y’all named after obscure watch makers Referencing Sylar from Heroes.? ‘Cause I really can’t be around anyone named after an obscure watch maker.”
“Get lost, Michele Michele Watches was obscure for a while and made great stuff, but now they’ve switched to over-priced fashion watches. Ugly crap, if you ask me.,” Ron said, jerking his head towards the door.
The French boy stood up and tossed his head. “Fine. She is not my type anyway, yes? I will go and find my Draco1. random, pointless mention of homosexuality; 2. someone in leather pants; 3. Draco’s gay, as usual.” He sashayed out of the common room, his leather pants creaking softly as he moved.
“Oh god, not another gay student,” Hermione muttered.
“Go on, Claire,” Ginny said. “He’s the only one with a name like that.”
“Great, thanks,” the blonde replied. “So anyway, my boyfriend totally saved me from all of that. He’s the one who suggested I come to England for a while, even though I know he misses me as much as I miss him. I just . . . I can’t tell you how perfect he is. He’s strong, and handsome, and brave, and smart, and rich, and loyal, and gentle, and sweet, and humble, and . . . and just everything good all at the same time. This part, at least, is just the plain truth.”
“Does this hero of yours have a name?” Ginny asked, grinning.
“Oh, right. His name is Dav For anyone who wasn’t paying close enough attention. . . . err . . . Davin. Yeah, Davin.”
“That’s an unusual name,” Hermione said.
“I know, isn’t it awesome? I think it’s absolutely the perfect name.” Suddenly she jumped slightly, reached inside her robe, and pulled out a pink cell phone that was visibly vibrating In the original draft, I had Harry comment that he was absolutely sure that her outfit did not have any pockets. I decided that was a bit much.. “Oh, speak of my savior. Hang on, y’all.
“Hey, Sweetie,” Claire said into the phone. “Awwww . . . yeah, I miss you, too.” She paused and then giggled. “Not now, hon, I’m with some friends. Other students, silly. It’s one of those places with different houses, kind of like school clubs, and each one gets their own dorms. I’m in the red one. I know, right?”
She glanced at Harry and winked. “Oh, hey, you remember in fourth grade when we had Mrs. Williams for history? D’you remember hearing about Harry Potter?” She rolled her eyes. “Well, I’m not surprised. You spent that whole year passing me little notes asking if I liked you. Yes you did! I still have them. The Mary-Sue couple has surely been together for as long as anyone can remember, regardless of the statistical improbability of that case. It can happen, though. Anyway, he defeated this seriously dark wizard when we were little, and he’s here at school with me. Isn’t that cool?
“Hang on.” Claire pressed the phone to her chest and glanced around at the other students. “I’m going to go up to bed and see if he’ll sing me to sleep. Goodnight, y’all.”
“’Night, Claire,” Harry said.
“Don’t stay up too late,” Ginny said, winking at the other girl.
“Oh, you hush.” With a final smile, Claire turned and headed for the staircase, already talking into the phone.
As the other students drifted away, Ron shook his head. “She’s amazing, isn’t she?”
“She’s something, all right,” Hermione said darkly.
Ginny settled against Harry’s chest. “I like her,” she said.
Hermione’s thick eyebrows rose almost to her bushy hair. “You do?”
“Yes. And I think you should, too.”
Harry tilted his head down and whispered into Ginny’s ear as he squeezed her arse It seems that in some fics, every chapter ends with the implication of sex. Also, Harry’s using a term (love-nest) that Ginny just screeched at him, but she doesn’t react at all. with one hand. “Want to see my love-nest?”
She hummed pleasurably against his chest. “Definitely.”
“C’mon, then.”
Ginny slid off of Harry’s lap, and he politely gestured for her to precede him up the stairs. Ties back to the earlier bit with Claire. Pay attention, girls . . . how many times does your guy do this?
Chapter 2: Exposed Given the reference to Basic Instinct, I just had to use this one.
The first Hogsmeade weekend of the term was scheduled for the Saturday after the first weekend of classes Violation of the canon timeline for no reason other than to push the story forward and avoid transitions.. Harry, Claire, and their friends gathered in the common room that morning, waiting for the rush of younger students to get through the line to exit the castle. Since Filch had disappeared – along with Snape, Madam Pince, Professor Binns, and a particularly creaky set of armor The Mary Sue manages to eliminate everyone who’s ever bothered Harry. And a reference to Echoes. – the students were able to leave the castle much more readily, but the seventh-years preferred to avoid the queue.
Once all five of them were ready, Claire clapped her hands excitedly. “I have an idea! Instead of going to Hogsmeade, let’s all go up to the Heads’ Suite and just talk. I feel like we never see each other around here This is patently ridiculous and an exaggerated example of a common fanfic device. They go to most classes together and live in the same dormitory. They have no shortage of time together..”
The others agreed Again, Claire is always right. They all had exciting plans for a day in Hogsmeade, but they immediately change their preferences when she has a new idea., and they all climbed up to the small common room of Harry and Claire’s suite, which expanded automatically Using the RoR magic in other places. I hate that. to accommodate them. A few minutes later, someone knocked on the door, and Harry answered.
“Oh, hello, Luna Continuity error. Luna should not be able to get into the Tower, and McG said that no-one could see the eighth-floor suite unless they were with Harry or Claire. But of course no one notices in the story.,” he said. “Come on in.”
“Hi, Harry.” Luna skipped into the room, her bare feet making no sound on the plush carpet. Her radish earrings tinkled merrily and her butterbeer cork necklace swayed to and fro as she dropped into an empty armchair. Luna wears all of her odd jewelry at the same time, all the time. Of course.
“This is nice, huh?” Claire said. “Just to be able to talk without worrying about studying or anything.”
“Yeah, definitely,” Ron said.
As Harry sat back down next to Ginny, she idly reached up and unbuttoned the top of her shirt to give him something to see At least she knows how to hold his interest, and he’s shallow enough that that’s all it really takes. I suppose you could even call this a basic instinct on Ginny’s part.. “So, Claire,” she said. “Tell us about America.”
The stunning blonde waved her hand airily. “Oh, it’s mostly boring. Not for me in particular The Mary Sue’s life prior to the story is inevitably exciting. And for Claire in Heroes, of course, it’s been very eventful., of course, but in general.”
Hermione raised an eyebrow She does this a lot, in many fanfics (including my own).. “Why isn’t it boring for you?”
“Lots of reasons. But never mind that. For most people it’s a lot like living here, but with different words, different weather, different government, and different people AKA almost everything. Honestly, the only good thing we have that you guys don’t is cheerleading. Y’all should really catch up on that.”
Luna nodded, blowing her stringy hair away from her yellow Again, no-one bothers giving Luna new oddities. They just re-use the canon stuff. eyebrow. “I’ve read about that. Cheerleading is when tribes in the desert get water out of bumblebee palaces, right?”
“Nope. Isn’t that cool, though?” Claire asked.
“No, not really,” Luna replied.
Claire nodded The Mary Sue doesn’t find Luna odd, of course. happily. “Cheerleading is when a group of girls – and sometimes guys, but that’s a little weird unless they’re in college – lead the school in cheering for their team. Mostly it’s Quodpot, but sometimes the squad cheers for our Quidditch team, too. I can’t, though, because I’m the Seeker Cliché for the challenge and the Litmus Test.. My twin sister Litmus Test. plays Quodpot, so she takes my place to cheer for Quidditch games.”
“You play Quidditch?” Harry asked. “Are you any good?”
“Just average,” Claire said. “The U.S. Quidditch Association gave me a plaque listing all the national records I hold, but I never really paid attention to the sport. Of course she’s amazing, but without putting forth any effort.”
“Quodpot has it all over Quidditch, anyway,” Ron said. “The Chudley Cannons Ron’s fanatical loyalty to the Cannons, even in bizarre situations. Plus a gross OOC moment for him. switched games this year because they figured it out first.”
“What sort of cheers do you lead?” Hermione asked.
“All kinds. Some are simple. You know . . .” She leapt up from her chair and planted her feet shoulder-width apart. With her back perfectly straight, she clapped her hands together in front of her chest. “Ready? O.K.!
“Gryffindor, Gryffindor, fight fight fight!” She repeated the same phrase several times, accompanying each line with a series of stiff arm movements. On the fifth or sixth round, she stopped at the end and jumped straight up and down, shaking her hands above her head. “Wooooo!”
“That was bloody brilliant!” Ron shouted.
“Thanks!”
Harry shook his head. “I can’t believe we’ve been chanting ‘Go, Go, Gryffindor’ all these years. That one is so much better Everything the Mary Sue does is great, even when it’s not..”
“That’s just a simple one,” Claire said. “With more people you can do formations and dances and gymnastics and stuff.”
Hermione lowered her eyebrow Another jab at the common expression. It’s been raised the whole time.. “Could you teach us to be cheerleaders? Then we could do all that neat stuff with you.”
“Sure! With four of us we could do some good routines, and Ginny’s so small we could throw her really high.”
“I can’t wait!” Ginny said.
Claire moved to the edge of her seat and straightened. “Okay, first you have to look like cheerleaders. That’s the most important thing Stereotypical cheerleader mentality.. If you don’t look like a cheerleader at all times, even when you’re not in uniform, no one’s going to know you’re a cheerleader. Then they’ll just look at you funny when you do cheers. We call that pep squad Mean, but true in many cases.. Anyway, what y’all need are makeovers.”
On cue, the room expanded again. The loveseat Harry shared with Ginny split, and his newly-formed armchair slid to the edge of the room alongside Ron’s. Hermione, Ginny, and Luna all ended up sitting on armless chairs in a line in the middle of the room, and Claire stood in front of them. Behind her was a huge array of tables holding mirrors, lights, aerosol cans, hairbrushes, and oversized tackle boxes.
“Now girls, we need our own looks,” Claire said. “I’m ‘statistically impossible girl next door Here we begin with character stereotypes from movies, TV, and some books. This is Claire’s stereotype in Heroes, though they try to hide that.,’ so that’s taken. Let’s see . . .” She scanned the other three girls, her brow slightly furrowed. Her gaze landed on Luna. “Okay, Luna, you’re going to be ‘elegant enigma with endearing hidden quirks Not a bad pick for Luna. But the main point is a stereotype based on Sharon Stone’s character in Basic Instinct, who had not-so-hidden quirks..’”
“All right.”
Claire picked up a hairbrush and a few small implements from the table behind her. As the others watched, she smoothed Luna’s hair into a neat ponytail and then shaped it into a flat, elongated twist at the back of her head. Next she applied a bit of makeup, darkening the area around Luna’s eyes, reddening her lips, and accentuating her cheekbones. Matching Sharon Stone from the relevant scene.
“Now for clothes. Let’s see . . . white, I think. You’re a tad skinny, so we’ll want to show your shoulders without going completely strapless. I think . . . yes.”
Luna’s sweater and jeans shimmered and re-formed into a white, knee-length dress Again matching Sharon Stone. I had to look up Basic Instinct on Wikipedia to learn the plot of the movie and find some pictures. I wish I hadn’t.. It had a collar but no shoulders or sleeves, which seemed odd to Harry. He could not deny that it looked quite nice on Luna, though.
“Perfect!” Claire said. “Now you wait a few minutes, okay?”
She turned to Ginny. “Hmm . . . you’d be really good for girl-next-door, but we absolutely can’t be similar No two stereotypes in a group (think “Mean Girls”, etc) can be similar.. Your hair would work for ‘crazed sex kitten Reference to Isla Fisher’s character in “The Wedding Crashers”,’ but you’re not that kind of girl Except, of course, that she is in this fic.. You don’t really need make up, which eliminates a lot of the exotic personalities like ‘gothic-but-not-too-gothic mistress of the night Goth is about the only thing missing from this cliché-fic, so I had to at least mention it..’ So I think it’ll have to be ‘surprisingly hot country girl who’s friends with everyone There are many examples of this, but “Mean Girls” is probably easiest to spot..’ What do you think?”
“Works for me. I’m from the West Country, you know.”
Claire nodded. “Sometimes I amaze myself. She has no idea what the West Country is.” Once again she performed her magic, keeping Ginny’s flowing red mane loose but sorting it neatly across her shoulders so that it fell down in front of her breasts. That done, she transformed Ginny’s clothes into overalls that exposed her sides to the air yet clung to her chest and hips. The legs of the overalls ended well above mid-thigh, leaving Ginny’s legs visible all the way down to a pair of ankle-height leather boots. Just as Harry was leaning to the side and trying to see inside the bib of the overalls, a white tube-top appeared and fitted itself tightly around Ginny’s chest and ribs.
“Damn,” Harry said. “That is hot.”
“She’s definitely going to be friends with at least half of everyone,” Ron added, nodding morosely Again, ‘half’ refers to the boys, and perhaps a few of the girls since this is a cliché-fic. And Ron isn’t pleased, of course..
“Now for you, Hermione,” Claire said.
Hermione tried desperately to flatten her bushy hair. “I hope you appreciate a challenge.”
“Oh, don’t be like that. I once took the ugliest girl in school and turned her into the prom queen Reference to any number of high-school age movies. Mean Girls (sortof), Princess Diaries, etc etc.. Or the runner-up Ordinarily the transformed girl would be the prom queen, but of course that’s not allowed when Claire herself is around., anyway, which was just as special all things considered. You’re not nearly as unfortunate-looking A polite term lifted from Legally Blonde. as she is.”
Claire walked around Hermione’s chair for a few minutes, turning her head this way and that. Finally she stopped and nodded. “You’ll be ‘well-known nerd who’s hiding her beauty until just the right moment. What really amuses me is that this is precisely what JKR did with Hermione in GoF. Yet in the Mary Sue fic, it seems like a novel idea, and no one thinks it will work except the MS.’”
“That sounds complicated,” Hermione said.
“It is, I guess, but it’s totally worth it.”
Hermione’s makeover took longer. Claire began by plucking several dozen hairs out of Hermione’s brow, which left her fighting back tears. After liberal application of something in a black bottle In my head, it’s axle grease., Hermione’s hair was straight and shiny. Claire twirled it up into a round bun high at the back of Hermione’s head, and she carefully secured it with two perfectly-sharpened pencils. A flurry of makeup left Hermione’s face looking reasonably normal but somehow smoother and shinier. Without warning or commentary from Claire, Hermione’s weekend clothes morphed into an exact replica of her uniform skirt and shirt, complete with knee-high socks and Mary Janes.
“Erm . . . Claire,” Ginny said, “that’s how Hermione looks every day, more-or-less.”
“With better hair,” Ron said.
“That’s the idea,” Claire responded. “Now, Hermione, listen carefully, because this is important. The pencils hold everything together Typical movie trick. As soon as the debutante lets her hair down (literally), her appearance improves tenfold. Witness “The Princess Diaries”, for example, though that was a mild instance. In others, I’d swear that they modified the actor’s costume and makeup in the middle of the scene.. Do not pull them out until just the right moment. We can test it now so you know how it works, but after that you have to pay attention and not pull them out accidentally. Got it?”
“Yes,” Hermione said, a familiar look of determination on her face. “I won’t touch them until just the right moment.”
“Let’s test it, then. Here’s what you do . . .” Claire leaned over and whispered in Hermione’s ear. Ginny and Luna, sitting nearby, giggled softly at whatever the blonde was saying. “Ready?”
Hermione nodded. “I think so.”
“Stand up, then, and give it a try.”
The brunette rose to her feet and turned to face Harry and Ron. She bit her lip for a moment and then took a deep breath.
“Okay,” Claire said. “Here we go . . .
“Just the right moment!”
Her eyes downcast Because the nerd always looks quite demure at the start of the process., Hermione reached up with both hands and pulled the pencils out of her hair. The effect was instantaneous. Her hair fell in tumbling curls around her face and brushed her shoulders. Her shirt shrank, and the top buttons opened themselves just in time to show her breasts lifting and filling out a bit In this case, it’s just a push-up bra, but you never know. Magic is magic.. The bottom hem of her shirt crept up to just above the waistline of her skirt. The skirt itself shortened a few inches – though it was still much longer than Ginny’s shorts – and began to sway gently in an invisible breeze. When her clothes stopped changing, Hermione looked up from the floor and straightened, her eyes taking on a look of innocent nonchalance.
“Bloody hell, that was brilliant,” Ron muttered.
“My goodness, Hermione,” Luna said calmly. “You’re very alluring.”
“It worked?” Hermione asked, her expression shifting to excitement.
“Definitely,” Ginny and Claire chorused.
Harry grinned. “The Ravenclaws aren’t going to be able to think straight if they see you do that.”
“Bloody hell, that was brilliant,” Ron said. Ron the broken record. It gets worse when he’s shocked.
“Perfect, Hermione,” Claire said. “The key here is that it’s okay to be the least attractive girl in a group. You just have to make sure you’re in the right group. With Ginny and I here I still can’t believe I managed to write something this rabidly egotistical. Sadly, it fits the story perfectly., and Luna to provide contrast, no one will ever think you’re not gorgeous. That’s what gives your look its integrity.”
“Oh, thank you, Claire,” Hermione said, hugging the other girl. “I can’t tell you how . . . how really fulfilled Because feeling pretty is the only thing that can ever make Hermione Granger happy. I feel right now.”
“You’re welcome, hon,” Claire said. “Now we can start on cheerleading, see? But we’ll only do some stretching today, because if you don’t stretch properly you can’t do anything else.”
A fourth chair appeared facing the first three, and Hermione and Claire both sat down.
“Excuse me,” Luna said. “Before we begin, may I adjust my outfit? It’s not quite comfortable.”
“It’s not?” Claire asked, a beatific look of confusion on her flawless face.
“No. I won’t change anything you can see, though.”
Claire shrugged. “Okay, then.”
Luna pulled out her wand, waved it silently, and then shimmied in her seat Luna has just completed her transformation into Sharon Stone. ‘Nuff said.. “That’s better. Thanks.”
“Okay, then, here we go. Sit up straight, put your knees together, and put your hands on your hips. When we move, you’ll feel how your hips flex and bend, and that’s what’s important. It may not always look like it, but cheerleading is all in the hips.
“Now, move with me. Move your right knee to the right, and keep your foot right under your knee. Move until you feel your muscles stretch, but don’t go any further than that. Now bring your right knee back to the start, and do the same with your left knee. Got it?”
The girls began repeating the pattern in time to Claire’s instructions. Ron and Harry Boys catch on fast. sat, transfixed, as they watched in the mirrors along the front of the room.
“Next we’re going to stretch the other way. Move your right knee out to the side, just like before. This time, when you bring it back to center, lift it up towards your chest at the same time. Then lower it back to the side.”
While the three novice cheerleaders practiced the new maneuver, Harry found himself staring at the mirror in front of Luna. Next to him, Ron was clearly doing the same.
“To finish up, we’re going to do one more motion. Move your knee out to the side, and when you bring it back to center, don’t raise it as much. Instead, cross it as far as you can over your other knee. You’ll feel the stretch in your hip under your hand. Now put your right leg down and do the same thing with your left leg This entire sequence simply transforms “uncrossing and recrossing her legs” into a form of exercise. Sharon Stone did it once, so of course these characters have to do it more than that..”
Ron whispered, “Bloody hell.”
Harry swallowed carefully. “Er . . . should we leave?”
“No,” Claire said. “Why would you?”
Harry grunted as Ron elbowed him sharply. “No reason. This might actually be the most accurate and realistic reaction in the entire story.”
“That’s great, girls,” Claire said after several repetitions of the final pattern. “We’ll continue another day, but for now keep practicing those stretches.”
Harry exhaled loudly, and Ron released a soft, disappointed groan. Both of them wiped their foreheads on their sleeves.
The room shifted again, and Harry found himself back on a loveseat next to Ginny. Fortunately, Ginny’s outfit did not change, and Harry wasted no time in caressing her exposed thigh.
“Now, Harry,” Claire said, “I know you’ve been sitting back there getting bored for a while Is Claire clueless, or is she perfectly aware of the show she choreographed for the boys’ benefit? You decide., and I appreciate your patience. But now I have a surprise for you.”
“A surprise?” Harry asked, surprised. “What surprise?”
“I’ll show you. We’re going to make a quick trip.”
“Where are we going?” Hermione asked, twisting her hair back into its bun and replacing the pencils, which somehow caused her outfit to revert to its original configuration.
“Diagon Alley.”
Ginny glanced around at the others. “But . . . are we allowed?”
“Oh, sure,” Claire said. “I got special permission from Dumbledore. Again, rules don’t apply.”
“Well, okay,” Harry said. “Shall we head down to the Three Broomsticks to use the floo, then?”
“Of course not.” Claire pulled a book of matches out of her pocket. “I got us a portkey… and neither do usual transportation restrictions. I would have had her Apparate them all if it had fit with the rest of the story.. Everyone grab on.”
They all put a finger on the little cardboard square, and a moment later Harry felt the tugging sensation of portkey travel. When the feeling ended, Harry spun in place, trying to get his bearings, and ended up falling to the floor and rolling several yards until he ran into a wall Because Harry is completely incapable of magical travel..
“Oh god, not another method of transportation Harry can’t manage,” Ron said.
“Hush, Ron,” Ginny said, pulling Harry to his feet For the record, she’s four foot ten, and he’s presented as reasonably normal-sized. She probably wouldn’t be able to help much..
He looked around and recognized the interior of Gringotts Bank. The six of them stood near the back of the main hall, near a set of ornate doors. A goblin waited next to the doors. “Is that you, Griphook?” Harry asked.
“Of course, It’s always Griphook.” the small creature said. It I actually have no idea why I removed Griphook’s gender here. Oh well. looked over the group, winked down at Ginny Aside from the goblin leering at Ginny, he’s winking down at her. She shrinks throughout the remainder of the chapter., and then opened the doors with wave of its hand. “Come in.”
They all filed into the room and sat around a large table. Claire smiled hugely at the goblin. “Mr. Griphook, sir, would you mind releasing Harry’s full inheritance to him?”
“Humph,” Griphook grunted. “We’ve been trying to hide that so we could keep it for ourselves, but since it’s you Even the goblins cave to the MarySue., I suppose we can give it back.” He snapped his fingers. “There you are, Mr. Potter.”
“So, Harry,” Claire said, grinning. “I get to tell you what you have How does she know this stuff, anyway?. First, you now have access to vault number one, which is the entire lowest level of Gringotts. It’s guarded by basilisks. Inside is approximately 987 billion Cribbed from Josh’s story sketch for the challenge. galleons in cash, several thousand years’ worth of family jewelry, a couple of talking portraits, and a large collection of swords and such.”
“That’s in addition to the 13 billion galleons you have from your parents’ trust vault and the Black fortune,” Griphook said.
“Wait,” Harry interrupted. “How do I have the Black fortune? Is Sirius dead? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Of course Sirius is still alive. It’s a Mary Sue fic. And there’s no explanation for that, either.”
“No, he’s fine,” Claire said. “He just wanted you to have it.”
Hermione counted on her fingers How do you count on your fingers to a trillion? Only Hermione is smart enough to do that. quickly. “Goodness, Harry. That makes you a trillionaire.”
“That’s only the cash,” Claire said. “You also own a property in Godric’s Hollow, Potter Manor and all of the surrounding countryside in Devonshire, two castles, and the entirety of the Canary Islands. Oh, and the Great Sphinx of Giza. Your private library is inside Harry always has a private library containing millions of volumes, so it has to be located someplace big, right?.”
“Cool,” Harry said. “Is that all? Oliver Twist wants more?”
“No, of course not. You own flats in every major city of the world and a summer cottage in a place called Newport I’ve been there a few times. It seems like the sort of thing that could be owned by a fantastically wealthy wizarding family. Just 18 bedrooms and two ballrooms . . . nothing fancy.. The Catholic Church rents Vatican City from you, which is a nice little money-maker All those tithes…, and you receive shipping taxes from the Panama Canal. Technically, you own the Mariana Trench, too. I’m not sure where that came from.”
“That’s wonderful, Harry!” Hermione said, leaping up from her chair and hugging him until he could not breathe It’s the only way she knows how to hug. She’s in rehab for it now..
Harry extricated himself before turning back to Claire. “Can I give her the library?”
“Sure,” Claire said, shrugging.
“Excuse me,” Ginny said. “Is Potter Manor that huge house that I’ve just realised Because of course it’s never been mentioned before, and she knows nothing else about it. is not far from The Burrow?”
“That’s it,” Claire said.
Ginny grinned. “Harry, I think you might actually own my house.”
“Really? Well then, I’ll give it to your parents. Let’s see . . . Ron, why don’t you take one of the castles; whichever one you like. Claire, Newport is in America, right?” She nodded. “Then you can have the cottage there. Luna . . . well, you should have the trench. There must be loads of odd creatures down there for you to find.”
“Why thank you, Harry.”
“What about me?” Ginny asked, looking up at him with a patently false expression of self-pity I feel bad about this. Ginny would never even joke that she should get something from Harry’s inheritance. Never. Except in this story, when she bears no resemblance to herself whatsoever..
“Oh, I haven’t forgotten you, Gin. I’m giving you Vatican City so that everyone there can worship you as much as I do Pretty much the sappiest thing I could think of, given the setup..”
Claire stood up and smiled. “Luna, Hermione, Ron . . . why don’t you go visit your gifts? Griphook can give you portkeys.”
Hermione bolted out of the door, dragging Griphook along with her. Smiling and waving, Ron and Luna followed.
“Now, Harry,” Claire said, sitting back down closer to Harry and Ginny. “I want to thank you for that house in Newport, and I have a gift for you in return.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Harry said. “Apparently I have just about everything I could ever imagine, and I can buy the rest.”
Claire smiled. “Not this. I’m going to help you and Ginny have a deliriously happy life.”
“Really? How?” Ginny asked.
“There’s a spell we use in America, but no-one here seems to know it. It creates a soul-bond between two people which allows them to hear each others’ thoughts, feel their feelings, and even remember their memories. Davin and I use it sometimes, and it’s really wonderful.”
“You mean it’s not permanent?” Harry asked.
“No, of course not,” Claire said. “It can really get to be overwhelming if you use it for too long‘Cause it would, really.. You just turn it on every now and then to catch up and share something special.”
Ginny scooted forward in her chair. “How do we do it, then?”
“It’s easy. Just hold your wands tip-to-tip, stare deeply into each others’ eyes, and say Soulicus Bondicus.”
“Let’s try it, Harry!” Ginny said, drawing her wand.
Harry pulled out his own wand, touched it to hers, and spoke the incantation while staring down into her beautiful brown eyes. As soon as the final syllable left their lips, he felt something change in his brain.
~ G~i~n~n~y? ~
~ Y~e~s. C~a~n’t y~o~u t~e~l~l? ~
He could feel her knees pressed up against his, and she could feel his knees pressed up against hers Parsed properly, this statement says nothing remarkable at all.. They could both feel the slightly rotting aftertaste of Harry’s morning orange juice, and they both wanted to fix the incredible wedgie that Ginny’s outfit was giving her Because I’m pretty sure it would..
~ T~h~i~s i~s t~o~t~a~l~l~y w~e~i~r~d. ~
~ I k~n~o~w. B~u~t i~t’s s~o g~r~e~a~t t~o k~n~o~w h~o~w m~u~c~h y~o~u l~o~v~e m~e. ~
~ I d~o l~o~v~e y~o~u, G~i~n~n~y. W~e’r~e g~o~i~n~g t~o s~p~e~n~d t~h~e r~e~s~t o~f o~u~r l~i~v~e~s t~o~g~e~t~h~e~r. ~
~ I k~n~o~w t~h~a~t f~o~r s~u~r~e n~o~w. ~
~ W~h~a~t~e~v~e~r w~i~l~l w~e d~o w~i~t~h o~u~r t~i~m~e? W~e w~o~n’t h~a~v~e t~o w~o~r~k. In so many stories, Harry inherits a huge sum and then proceeds to work as an auror or something. If he has that much money, why does he have to work? Why would he want to? I’m not saying it’s an inaccurate gauge of his character, but I don’t think it’s necessarily assured.~
~ O~h, w~e’l~l t~h~i~n~k o~f s~o~m~e~t~h~i~n~g. ~
Memories immediately began flowing back and forth between them. All of the memories were very interesting and wonderfully detailed.
After a few moments, as the memories got older, Ginny shuddered. ~ S~w~e~e~t m~o~t~h~e~r o~f M~e~r~l~i~n, H~a~r~r~y! Y~o~u’v~e h~a~d s~o~m~e s~e~r~i~o~u~s~l~y d~i~s~t~u~r~b~i~n~g d~a~y~d~r~e~a~m~sSad but true. Male adolescence is awful.. ~
~ E~r~r . . . s~o~r~r~y? ~
~ I~t’s o~k~a~y, I g~u~e~s~s. B~u~t h~o~w c~o~u~l~d y~o~u p~o~s~s~i~b~l~y t~h~i~n~k a~n~y g~i~r~l w~o~u~l~d b~e i~n~t~e~r~e~s~t~e~d i~n t~h~o~s~e s~o~r~t~s o~f t~h~i~n~g~s? ~
~ I w~a~s f~o~u~r~t~e~e~n! E~v~e~r~y~o~n~e i~n t~h~e d~o~r~m w~a~s l~i~k~e t~h~a~t. Y~o~u~r b~r~o~t~h~e~r w~a~s w~o~r~s~e t~h~a~n m~e.~
~ B~l~e~c~h! N~o w~o~n~d~e~r y~o~u w~e~r~e a~l~l c~o~m~p~l~e~t~e~l~y h~o~p~e~l~e~s~s a~t t~h~e Y~u~l~e B~a~l~l. ~
Harry grinned at her thoughts. ~ E~x~c~e~p~t M~i~c~h~e~a~l, e~h? ~
~ M~i~c~h~e~a~l w~a~s v~e~r~y n~i~c~e b~a~c~k t~h~e~n. I’m s~u~r~e h~e w~a~s~n’t t~h~i~n~k~i~n~g a~n~y~t~h~i~n~g o~f t~h~e s~o~r~t. ~
~ T~r~u~s~t m~e, h~e w~a~s. I~t’s b~i~o~l~o~g~i~c~a~l. B~u~t I k~n~o~w b~e~t~t~e~r n~o~w. ~
~ T~h~a~n~k g~o~o~d~n~e~s~s. S~t~i~l~l . . . h~o~w d~o y~o~u s~l~e~e~p a~t n~i~g~h~tThe rather subtle joke here is that, if they’re sharing everything they should be sharing, all of this conversation is completely unnecessary. And yes, the same applies to MoO.? ~
That question triggered another torrent of memories. As their faces reddened and their breathing became heavy, Harry squeezed his eyes closed. “How do we turn it off?” they asked.
“Just say Bondicus Endicus together.”
“Bondicus Endicus!” Harry and Ginny said.
The bond ended, leaving Harry and Ginny staring at each other separately and panting. “That was incredible,” Ginny said, fanning herself.
“Isn’t it awesome?” Claire asked.
“I can see how you have to be careful with it, though,” Harry said. “We almost got carried away there.”
Claire shrugged. “Don’t worry, I was ready to leave the room for a few hours if necessary Isn’t she considerate? Because, of course, this version of Harry and Ginny would go at it in a conference room at Gringotts without a second thought. Also an implication of overblown stamina..”
“You’re a good friend, Claire,” Ginny said. She sniffed softly. “I just . . . I feel like everything good in the world has happened since you came to Hogwarts. Absolutely everything. I can’t explain it, but I just know The tiniest effort to make the title relate to the story. Ginny’s basic instinct is that Claire is making everything right in the world..” She reached up, wrapped her arms around the taller girl’s knees By this point, Ginny has shrunk enough that she can only reach Claire’s knees. I thought about having Harry put her in his trouser pocket when they left, but I decided that was a bit much, even for this story., and hugged her tightly. “Thank you so much for coming into our lives.”
Claire patted Ginny’s head. “Oh, you’re welcome, of course, but it’s been my pleasure. Do you two want to head back to the castle now? Maybe take a nap in Harry’s room? Cue the porn music!”
Harry took Ginny’s hand and pulled her to his side. “Yes, please.”
“Okay,” Claire said, grinning again. “Just use the portkey to get right back there. Oh, and Ginny, those clothes changed permanently, so be sure to fold them properly when you take them off.”
“I will,” Ginny said.
Harry took the portkey, this time noticing the word ‘pinehearst’ A Heroes reference that is meaningless in this context, but ominous if you’re familiar with the show. written on the front. Ginny put her finger on the other end, and a moment later they fell directly into Harry’s bed. For once, he had no problem landing in the right spot Ending with sex again. “Once more unto the bed, dear Ginny, once more; or up ‘gainst the wall in our private room.” That’s Shakespeare, you know..
Chapter 3: Homecoming
The first Quidditch match of the season, between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, took place on the first weekend in October. For the first time, however, everyone in the school was hoping for the match to be very short Utterly contrary to everything in canon, but the Mary Sue is involved, so… because Claire had arranged for a Homecoming Ball There’s always a ball. to take place that evening. She said it was vital that Hogwarts have a homecoming, though apparently it was normal for no-one to actually come home for the event.
Fortunately, Claire had given Harry a few pointers about Seeking, and the game lasted only four minutes. Ginny scored all seven of Gryffindor’s goals Ginny is not the primary Mary Sue, but she is a Mary Sue, so therefore she’s incredible at Quidditch., allowing them to beat Slytherin 230-0 Ginny’s seven goals plus the Snitch would equal 220 points. But who cares? JKR is bad at math, too.. After Harry caught the Snitch, she soared down to the ground and joined Claire, Hermione, and Luna in a short cheerleading routine. Even the Slytherins applauded when the other three girls hurled Ginny twenty feet straight up Josh could surely explain just how impossible this is without mechanical aid, but I think we all get the idea., giving her plenty of time to do a quintuple back-flip with three twists= This is a 4’10” person traveling a total of 40 vertical feet, flipping end-for-end five times, and rotating thrice on her own axis. Olympic trampoline athletes, who I think bounce higher, could not do this.]. They ended the routine by leading everyone in a several rounds of, “Gryffindor, Gryffindor, fight fight fight! 1. Lack of any effort made to write a new cheer; 2. The other houses have no problem cheering thus, because it’s Claire.”
After the match In canon, it took Hermione 2-3 hours to prepare for the Ball. Here, of course, it takes the girls more like 7 hours., the female population of Hogwarts – along with Draco, Michele, and Dumbledore – disappeared into the various dormitories to prepare for the Ball. Many of the boys spent several hours at the lake’s edge, trying to conjure up a working telescope so they could see in the girls’ windows Because they would. It also reminds me of the “Revenge of the Nerds”-era movies.. Harry, however, had recently completed an intense bonding session with Ginny This can be read as a polite thing or a not-remotely-polite thing. And a slight nod to Josh’s “Anti Cliché”., so he had no need to peer through tower windows.
At six o’clock, the Gryffindor boys were all waiting in the common room for the girls to appear. The younger girls all emerged first, followed by Lavender and Parvati If you’re going to have gay men, it’s only fair to have some lesbians, too. Lav/Parv seem like easy targets., who had announced earlier that day that they would be attending the Ball together. That left only Claire, Hermione, Ginny, and Luna Still no explanation for her presence in the tower. in the girls’ dormitories.
Luna was the first to emerge. She wore a dress very much like the one Claire had created for her, except that it fell to her ankles and had a hip-height slit on either side. The boys all whistled appreciatively, and Luna smiled dreamily in response before joining her date.
Luna’s escort for the evening was a deep-sea merman named Lemuel Actually the first name of the guy who built my house in circa 1835.. He had tentacles instead of a fish’s tail, which allowed him to walk upright on land, and a special bubble-head charm enabled him to breathe He shouldn’t be able to survive at all, given the pressure differences from the bottom of the trench to well above sea level. But nevermind.. Luna had met him on her first visit to the Mariana Trench, and they had been inseparable ever since.
Hermione emerged from the dormitory next. Her dress was cut modestly and made of creamy gray material that shimmered slightly in the lightI think this could actually look quite nice with the right coloration and on the right occasion.. It had a long skirt, full-length sleeves, and a high collar. Nevertheless, it fit her very well and displayed her modest figure to its full advantage. Apparently she and Luna had both decided to stick with Claire’s original fashion advice, and Harry thought she looked quite pretty. Ron certainly seemed to appreciate the dress, and the couple spent several minutes snogging at the foot of the stairs before they left for the Ball. As they walked away, Harry spotted two perfectly-sharpened pencils I just read about this thing called ‘foreshadowing’. Pretty cool, huh? holding Hermione’s bun in place.
Harry waited alone in the common room. He was slightly surprised Because you’d expect Mary Sue’s entrance to be the climax of the sequence. when Claire emerged from the stairs before Ginny did. Claire wore an extremely close-fitting red dress that showed all of her indescribable curves To me, this is representative of the kinds of things you see celebrities wear to red-carpet events and other formal occasions. There is no other event in the world at which such a dress would be appropriate. Well, there is, but it’s illegal in the U.S.. The strapless bodice and knee-length hem ensured that she would never lack attention, and Harry spent a nostalgic moment thinking of the blissful few hours he had spent in love with her He’s just that much of a jerk..
“Hi, Claire,” he said. “You look lovely.”
“Thank you, Harry.”
“It’s too bad Davin couldn’t make it tonight.”
She sighed impressively. “I know. But I’m sure I’ll see him soon enough. For tonight, I’m going doe.”
“D’oh?”
“No, doe. The opposite of stag.”
Harry’s ears perked. “Stag as in party?”
“Oh.” Harry thought for a moment and had an idea. “How would you like my father to escort you? I’m sure he’ll love you, and he’s no threat to Davin.”
“Your father?” Claire asked. “Wasn’t he dead? She’s the sensitive type.”
“He still is. That’s why he’s no threat.”
She smiled. “Well, that’s okay, then.”
Harry pulled out his wand and pointed it at the space next to her. “Expecto Patronum!” I’ve never actually seen this done before, but it seems like the type of bizarre thing that would happen in a Mary Sue fic.
Prongs leapt out of his wand and pranced in place at Claire’s side. “Dad, will you take Claire to the Ball? Her boyfriend couldn’t make it, and it’d be a shame for her to be alone.”
“There you are,” Harry said. “Now you’re going stag in style.”
“Oh, thank you, Harry,” Claire gushed. “He’s beautiful.” She put a hand on Prongs’ silvery shoulder, and together they left the common room.
Harry turned back to the staircase just in time to see Ginny emerge from the dormitories. He blinked several times, forced himself to take a breath, and then blinked again. “Sweet mother of Merlin,” he whispered.
Ginny grinned. “I’m not naming any of our children ‘Merlin’, Harry. It’s cliché. A jab at JKR’s names for their children. Though ‘Merlin’ would actually have been better than ‘Albus Severus’.”
Harry nodded dumbly. Ginny’s dress was made of emerald green velvet which perfectly matched his eyes Of course.. It had a halter neck which widened to cover her ample breasts, but it remained separated all the way down to her navel. It was completely backless, which left her sides and back uncovered all the way down to her hips. Below that, the skirt flared and fell to the floor, making sure that Harry’s attention stayed above her waist where it belonged I’m not quite sure if Claire’s or Ginny’s dress is more inappropriate. Maybe I should set up a poll..
“Do we have to go to the Ball?” Harry asked plaintively.
“Yes, we do,” Ginny said. She stepped forward and leaned up to whisper in his ear. “But you can take this off of me afterwards. Trust me, it doesn’t take much Literally and figuratively..”
Her proximity drew his attention to her beautiful auburn hair, which was curled and gathered at the back of her head to form a cascade of curls that flowed down her spine.
“You’re beautiful, Ginny,” Harry said softly. “More beautiful than anything I’ve ever seen. More than anything I’ve ever imagined.”
“Oh? Did you see Claire just now?”
“Yes. You’re even more beautiful than her.”
She chuckled deep in her throat. “You definitely won’t have any trouble getting this dress off, Mr. Potter I’m not sure why, but fanfic authors love to have h/g use their surnames in moments of either anger or arousal.. Shall we?”
Harry took her hand, and together they paraded down to the Great Hall. A crowd of teachers and younger students were waiting in the Entrance Hall I needed some kind of crowd to emulate the mob and paparazzi at a celebrity event. There’s usually a group like this at a prom or homecoming, too., and when Harry and Ginny appeared on the stairs they all began to ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’. Several flashbulbs went off in bursts of purple smoke, and a few digital cameras Anachronism. clicked out their fake shutter sounds.
They walked through the middle of the crowd, nodding and smiling graciously, and Hagrid announced them to the Great Hall beyond. “Mar ‘Arry ‘O’er a’ Mi’ Gi’y We’ly, ‘Ing a’ ‘Een o’ t’ ‘Omec’min’ Ba’! Hagrid’s accent, of course, is completely unintelligible. What he’s saying is, “Mr. Harry Potter and Miss Ginny Weasley, King and Queen of the Homecoming Ball!””
Everyone inside applauded, and Harry and Ginny moved to the center of the room to begin the dancing. Harry had been practicing with Claire She’s good enough to be a professional, of course, and Harry always practices with somebody., so he was perfectly comfortable leading Ginny in a classical waltz.
Once they had completed a verse of the song (played by the Weird Sisters As usual.), the rest of the students and professors joined in and the Ball began.
Harry and Ginny danced to every song, taking breaks only for Harry to dance with Claire and Ginny to dance with Dumbledore. Harry tried dancing with Hermione, just out of friendship, but they both found the experience vaguely disturbing.
After half an hour, the tempo of the music had slowed, and Harry and Ginny had stopped their formal dancing. Instead, they wrapped their arms around each other, pressing their bodies together, and swayed gently to the music.
Harry was just leaning down to kiss Ginny when they heard a series of loud bangs There should be a rule: the best time for the Evil Overlord to attack is right before the primary couple kisses.. Looking up, Harry spotted Hagrid at the doors, using a boulder to pound on the wall. “Ladies and gentlemen!” = Hagrid’s accent varies a lot, you see. he shouted, his huge voice booming. “The Dark Lord Voldemort!In retrospect, I should have had some Snatchers appear out of nowhere, look confused, and then leave again. Oh well.”
Complete silence fell over the Hall. Then, before Harry could process what was happening, Lord Voldemort stepped into the room. He was wearing his customary black robes, but for that evening they were decorated with blood-red velvet at the collar, hem, and cuffs. His head was freshly shined, and his red eyes glistened above his pale face I couldn’t resist extending the clothing description to Voldemort, even though I didn’t do it for any other male..
“Voldemort!” Harry shouted. “What the hell are you doing here?”
The Dark Lord’s gaze slithered over Ginny Wouldn’t yours? And more random and pointless sexualization, even from Voldemort. before landing on Harry. “I was invited, foolish boy.”
“Invited?” Ginny said. “Who would invite you?”
“I would, and I did,” a familiar voice called. Claire Boingit emerged from the other end of the hall, her gait stately and her appearance as flawless as ever. “Good evening, Tom.”
“Ahh, Miss Boingit,” he hissed. “What a pleasure to meet you at last. You have to suspect that the OC is actually a bad guy, even if just for a moment.”
“Likewise, I’m sure,” Claire replied. “I’m so glad that you accepted my invitation.”
Horrible, terrifying thoughts rushed through Harry’s mind. How could she? They had all trusted her! “Claire!” he said. “What-?”
She ignored him and continued approaching the Dark Lord, passing in front of Harry. “I was certain that we could agree to a peaceful evening, Tom. We may be from different schools, but we’re all playing the same game. It’s good for everyone to come together and remember that from time to time The naiveté represented by this statement is just par for the course..”
“Ah, yes,” Voldemort said, stepping closer to her and blatantly leering at her body. “That is precisely what I wanted you to believe. But look around, Claire, and see the truth.”
Harry looked around just as Claire did, and he saw dozens of students step out of the crowd. Their features began to bubble and shift, and seconds later Harry, Ginny, and Claire were surrounded by a large group of Death Eaters, all wearing masks and holding their wands ready.
Voldemort hissed in laughter. “You may have somehow eliminated Lucius, Bellatrix, Pettigrew, Macnair, Severus, Narcissa, Nott, Parkinson, Crabbe, Goyle, and both Carrows, but they were not my only followers. Now, you fools, you are all going to die.” He looked around at the circle of evil wizards and witches. “Kill them all, but leave Potter and Boingit to me!”
“Hermione, it’s just the right moment!” Claire shouted.
In a blur of gray, Hermione ran into the center of the Hall, directly in the path of all of the Death Eaters’ wands. She stopped, looked demurely down at the floor, and then reached up to pull the pencils out of her hair.
The bodice of her dress separated from the skirt, displaying more and more of her tanned midriff as it shrank upwards. Her sleeves and collar fell away entirely just as her hair tumbled down around her shoulders. Her skirt narrowed and shortened, climbing higher and higher until it clung to her hips and covered her arse by no more than half an inch. At the same time, the remainder of the bodice shrank into a shimmering gray string bikini top, leaving two triangles of fabric over her enlarged breasts. Even her sensible dancing shoes morphed into four-inch stiletto heels Just to take the transformation as far as possible. I considered leaving her in a thong bikini bottom, too, but I thought that the micro-skirt was more fitted (ha!) to the occasion..
Hermione raise her head proudly, keeping her hands up near her head to best display her outfit.
Everyone froze, including all of the Death Eaters.
Claire looked across the Hall and bellowed, “Now, Grandpa!”
Dumbledore leapt up onto his table, raised his wand, and shouted, “Avada Kedavra Maximus!”
Forty-two beams of green light shot out of his wand, and all forty-two Death Eaters fell to the floor, dead.
The Headmaster raised his wand to his lips and blew away the smoke leaking out of its tip. “Forty-two,” he said. “Works every time Hitchhiker’s Guide, of course. Plus the “smoking gun” cliché..”
“Fine!” Voldemort screeched. “They meant nothing! There’s only one death that matters today!” Quick as a striking serpent, he raised his wand and pointed it at Harry. “Avada Kedavra!”
Harry’s eyes widened, and Ginny screamed. He began to duck, knowing he could never be fast enough. Just then, a flash of red leapt across the room and intersected the vicious I seriously considered spelling this “viscous”, just to fit the tone of the story. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. green spell. For a moment Harry thought that someone had disarmed Voldemort, but in the next moment he realized that he had seen Claire’s red dress flash across his vision. The spell had struck her in the face. Claire Boingit lay dead and beautiful at his feet Can’t you just picture her carefully-planned death pose?.
“Nooooo!” Harry howled. All around him, students and teachers wailed their grief, pulling at their hair Why has this been a sign of grief for thousands of years? I don’t get it. and sobbing uncontrollably. Even Voldemort looked shocked and appalled by his own actions.
“You killed Claire!” Harry shouted. “You bastard South Park!”
He raised his wand and aimed it carefully. “Expelliarmus!”
His aim was true. Rather than disarming Voldemort’s wand from his hand, Harry disarmed the Dark Lord’s head from his body. The headless corpse collapsed bonelessly.
“Oh, god, Claire,” Harry said, kneeling down to look at her body. “I’m so sorry I doubted you.”
“No problem, Harry. Few people are perfect She’s such an ass. This is the point at which I wanted to slap her, even though she’s my creation..” Claire leapt to her feet, straightened her dress, and shouted, “This calls for the ultimate cheer The Spartan Cheerleaders from Saturday Night Live.!
“Ready! O.K.!
“Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar!
All for Hogwarts, stand up and holler Not very ultimate, is it? I could have come up with a better cheer. Really, I could. But why bother? Nobody ever said that she’s a good cheerleader.!
“Woooooooooo!”
Harry stumbled to his feet. “Claire? But . . . but you were dead!”
“I was, but now I’m not A very vague, but intentional, reference to “The Crow”.. I heal really, really fast, so basically I’m immortal.”
“You heal really fast?” Hermione said. “I’ve never heard of magic like that.”
Claire shrugged. “That’s because it’s not magic. I’m not even a witch Just to highlight how much she doesn’t belong.. More like a genetically-engineered Squib. The healing thing is biochemical.”
“You’re a what, now?” Ron asked.
“Not a witch?” Ginny said. “How can you not be a witch?”
“Hang on,” Hermione said. “I’ve never actually seen her do any magic How has she managed to attend classes for 5-6 weeks? A deliberate plot hole..”
“Nor have I,” Harry said to his own surprise.
“What about the makeovers?” Ron asked. “That was definitely magical.”
Claire waved an elegant hand. “Oh, that was just the Heads’ Suite. It’s like the Room of Requirement, only better Everyone loves to use the RoR idea without just using the RoR itself..”
“Then . . . why are you here?” Harry asked.
“Grandpa asked me to come and help you I feel a tiny bit bad about this, because the exposition at the end actually explains a few of the bizarre gaps in the story. To be truly accurate to the source genre, I should never have explained how the Mary Sue eliminated all the bad guys. The story would have gone straight from Claire’s cheer to the finale with the Ferrari. However, this way lets me sleep at night, because there’s at least some very vague semblance of order in the faux plot.,” Claire responded. “And it worked, eh Grandpa?”
Dumbledore The grand revelation. Someone has to be related to somebody. walked down the middle of the hall, smiling expansively. “Marvelously, my dear. Just as I knew it would all along.”
“Oh god,” Ron groaned. “Not another manipulative plot from the Headmaster.”
“I think this one worked, though,” Harry said.
“Grandpa was having trouble with the whole Voldemort thing, and I needed to get away from home for a while. So I came over here and helped things along.”
Ginny blinked in surprise. “What? How?”
“Well, first I had Grandpa fix things so I could enroll here. Then I got rid of some of the prefects so that Harry could be Head Boy, and Grandpa made me Head Girl so that we could spend time together.”
“You’re welcome, Harry,” Dumbledore said, winking at him.
“Next I got rid of some of those pesky Death Eaters. And a few people at Hogwarts, mostly so that we could have more fun.”
Hermione raised her hand. “Excuse me. What do you mean, ‘got rid of’?”
“Oh, I killed them,” Claire said.
“Killed? How? You’re not a witch.”
Claire shook her head. “Come on, Hermione. Are you a Muggle-born, or aren’t you I took joy in this line, I really did.?” She raised one hand and began ticking off points on her fingers. “I tied up Severus Snape and stabbed him with one of those little silver knives Reference to Basic Instinct. I didn’t want to just use an ice pick, and I thought the knife was apropos.. I sent Lucius Malfoy a poisoned potato In the Simpsons, Burns used poisoned potatoes to kill off his siblings and become the sole heir to the family fortune.. I dropped some woman named Umbridge in the river to see if she’d float; she didn’t Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail.. I bricked Argus Filch into the end of an empty corridor in the dungeons Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Cask of Amontillado.”. I sent Cornelius Fudge on dinner cruise and blew up the boat Basic Instinct again, sort of.. I had to dig up an old proton pack Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! to use on Binns, but it worked fine.”
“Brilliant,” Ron said.
“What about the others?” Harry asked, remembering Voldemort’s words. “Pettigrew, Macnair, Nott, Parkinson, Narcissa Malfoy, the Carrows, Bellatrix Lestrange?”
“Potato, silver knife, silver knife, potato, silver knife, and double-bricking. Bellatrix was tricky, though. I had to send a hunter-seeker Dune, just for Josh and Christine. after her.”
“You just . . . killed them all?” Hermione asked, looking both horrified and impressed.
“Yep. It seemed easiest No ethical questions here, of course..”
Hermione nodded vaguely. “Okay, but . . . what about the Horcruxes?”
“What’s a Horcrux?” Ron asked.
“Oh, don’t worry about those The Mary-Sue author’s attempt to address canon problems without actually writing anything about them.,” Claire said. “I took care of them yesterday during lunch. I thought I was going to have to sleep with you to get rid of yours, Harry I’m absolutely certain that, somewhere, there’s a fic in which this happens. In it, I’m sure the characters are as nonchalant about it as these are.. Wouldn’t that have been poignant? But I found another way. It got rid of your scar, too. Did you notice?”
Harry reached up and felt his forehead. Sure enough, his scar was gone.
“I knew it!” Ginny cried, bouncing excitedly and distracting everyone nearby. “I just knew you were the reason everything was going so well. I told you, didn’t I? She has good instincts. Get it?”
Claire nodded sagely.
Dumbledore hugged her, his violet robes wrapping almost completely around her slender figure. “I knew you could do it, dear. Of all my children, grand-children, and great-grand-children Heroes reference. If he’s her great-grandfather, the remainder of his progeny are generally reprehensible. Worse than her, even as she’s presented in this story., you’re by far the best. But don’t tell your sister The true Mary-Sue author would probably write a sequel or parallel story about Claire’s twin sister. The twin does not exist in Heroes, at least not yet, but it could be considered a half-assed reference to Ali Larter’s characters in that series. I said that.”
“Awww. Thanks, Grandpa.” She pulled away and looked at Harry. “That reminds me. When you used that portkey to go back to Hogwarts from Gringotts, you also accepted ownership of a company called Pinehearst The bitch set him up. For those familiar with Heroes, this says that the company is going to give Harry a lot of problems. That, of course, would be the basis for the sequel, in which Harry goes to Claire’s universe and plays Gary Stu. It would undoubtedly culminate in an epic battle between Heroes’ “abilities” and HP’s magic.. It’s been in my family for generations, so I thought it would be a nice trade for that mansion you gave me.”
“Oh . . . thanks,” Harry said.
Claire looked around. “Well, I think I’m pretty much done here. I’m so ready to get back home to my boyfriend. Grandpa, could you send my things?”
“They’re already in the trunk, my dear,” Dumbledore said, smiling fondly.
“You’re the best,” she replied, kissing him briefly on the cheek. “Good luck with Draco.”
The Headmaster giggled I couldn’t resist..
Claire strode out of the hall and then out of the castle onto the lawn. The rest of the students, dazed and bedazzled, followed her. When Harry reached the main doors, he saw a shiny red Ferrari This is taken from the Simpsons episode that centers on HP (”The Haw Hawed Couple”). In it, Homer reads the end of book 6 (Dumbledore’s death) and thinks Lisa won’t like it, so as he reads it aloud to her he makes up a horribly clichéd ending involving a red sports car, a rainbow ramp, and a castle in the sky. parked at the top of the stairs, its engine running and its top down.
“Wheeeeee!” Claire squealed, running around the car and vaulting into the driver’s seat I’m not sure it’s physically possible for someone in her outfit to vault into a vehicle. If it is, she gave the crowd one hell of a show.. “Can I take the shortcut, Grandpa?”
“Of course, dear. Whatever you like.”
Dumbledore waved his wand, and a rainbow-colored ramp appeared in midair, curving up into the sunset. At the far end, seemingly hundreds of feet in the air, Harry saw a huge castle shining in the midday sun.
“I’m a-goin’ hooooome! Reference to Jar-Jar Binks, the most horrid cinematic creation of our times, and a paragon of Mary Sue-ism.” Claire shouted joyously. Then she gunned the Ferrari’s engine and accelerated up the multi-colored ramp. Soon the roar of the engine faded, and in another minute Harry saw a red speck soar through the glittering castle’s open gates. Then the castle and the rainbow ramp faded, leaving only a beautiful Scottish sunset.
Hundreds of people stood on the front steps of Hogwarts, staring up at the evening sky. All of them, especially Harry and Ginny, were already reliving their few glorious weeks in the presence of Claire Boingit No effort to wrap up loose ends, no clue about what happened to the protagonists, no reconciliation of sub-plots. It just ends..
A/N: Okay, here’s the short list of clichés/etc I used for the challenge. There are a lot more, but I don’t have room to list them all here.
1.One way or another, show how the exaggerated attributes of the Mary-Sue don't fit into the established world.
2.Include at least three of the following fanfic clichés:
a.Author insertion (Bonus points for writing Sovran into it as well.)
d.Make the two leads Head Boy and Girl and stash them in a shared Head Student dorm
e.Ginny skipped ahead a year
f.Harry/Ginny bonded (Bonus points for creative typographical conventions for "thinkspeak".)
g.An OFC scoring 40 or more on the Mary-Sue Litmus Test {Claire Boingit scores 40 exactly. I tried for 42, but it’s much harder when your Mary-Sue is not of your gender.}
h.A MAHOOOSIVE inheritance for Harry, including at least two major global landmarks... and Potter Manor
3.Include at least one of the following clichéd archetypes:
d.Makeover! Hermione {and the others for good measure}
5.Find at least three fanfic clichés of your own and use them in the story; in each case, have a character remark upon them with some variation of "Oh god, not another..."
1. Mention of students being gay for reasons that have nothing to do with the plot or the primary/secondary characters
2. Harry being utterly incapable of traveling via magical means
3. Dumbledore being the mastermind of absolutely everything
I found myself parodying a lot of writing clichés in addition to the required plot clichés. That’s why, for example, Neville is completely absent from the story, Ron says pretty much the same line over and over and contributes very little to the plot, clothes are described in unnecessary detail, the main characters are over-sexualized, and the title has very little to do with the content of the story I was in a real hurry when I wrote the author’s note, so it’s pretty minimalist. The one other writing cliché I should have mentioned is the lack of explanatory prose surrounding the dialog. In a real story, there would have been a lot more information about facial expressions, gestures, body postures, etc. But in a fic like this, no one bothers . . . the dialog says everything the author wants to say.. There are many others; if you see something that isn’t my style, it’s deliberate. Including the summary.
There are a lot of references to other works in this story. If you recognize something, it’s probably not mine. Among others, credit is due to moshpit, rbackwards, The Simpsons, South Park, and Monty Python. Oh, and Heroes.
Finally, I offer my sincerest apologies to Harry Potter and especially Ginny Weasley. I may never forgive myself for what I did to them in this fic.
(2 votes)
Comments
Ah, now I understand more of
Ah, now I understand more of those references. And there were some that I didn't even catch as references to something else. This clears up the confusion.
I might mention that some of your annotations are messed up. In several of them, what is supposed to appear in the box when you mouse over the text appears as part of the blue underlined text. The first occurrence is when she uses the word savior and you explain that it is the root of the word sovereign. There were a few more after that but it was the first. Also, when one of the sections of underlined text begins too close to the right margin, the pop-up box appears half off the right side of the screen. Interestingly enough, when this happens, a scroll bar appears at the bottom of the window to allow you to scroll the page over, but as soon as the mouse leaves the blue underlined text, the scroll bar disappears because it is no longer needed, thus rendering it impossible to move over and read the whole box. It really wasn't an issue for me because I'm using Firefox and I can just press (Ctrl -) a few times to shrink the whole page and it became a non issue. Also, the french form of Michael is Michel, with no e on the end. I completely missed that on SIYE, which is odd because misspelled names stick out to me like a sore thumb.
Thanks for posting the annotated version here. Your explanations were, in some cases, even funnier than the story. I just have one question. I understand how the hat changing shape with a belching noise is a jab a Echoes of Power, but how is it any kind of reference at all to Meaning of One? I remember the hat changing size to fit over both of their heads at once maybe, but I remember no sound. Was it something else?
I enjoy the comments!
I also like commentary when included on movie DVDs. My daughter thinks I'm pretty much a geek because of that.
Ginny's and Claire's ball gowns... As someome who (barely) remembers his teenage years I did not think either was inappropriate. Oh, wait. They were wearing them in public. Never mind.
My wife, the Every Lovely Mrs. Chatmandu, still thinks I'm quite gallant for following her up stairs. I do that so if she were ever to trip I can catch me before she falls, you see. At least that is my story and she has never questioned it. :-)
Hmm... saviour is the root word for sovereign/sovran? I think I'm missing something here. To have sovereignty means freedom of choice/action/authority without outside interference. Hence a "sovereign" nation or ruler. Also the protagonist of Chaucer's "The Wife of Bath's Tale" allows the woman "sovereignty" over when she is to be beautiful and when to be ugly. That, of course, answers the question to the protagonist's quest to discover what a woman wants - to control her own life. Saviour is a word meaning to save from danger or destruction.
Crap, now I'm off topic. Okay, how do I work THAT into a H/G story? Perhaps more R/Hr.
Thanks. Very enjoyable. I
Thanks. Very enjoyable. I had missed a number of jokes--like the whole axle grease hair straightner and a number of others(since I haven't seen Basic Instinct since its first release) so appreciated the annotation.
Its almost scary how much thought went into this....
I so enjoyed reading this.
I so enjoyed reading this. I never saw Basic Instinct but it make no difference really. It was a great read. And as another poster pointed, as much fun reading the annotated bits as the story itself.
Responses
jediprankster: When I created the html version of this file with the pop-up tags, some of them wound up with closing html tags from the original text. Such as the closing italics tag from Saviour. I went back and fixed all of those. Thanks for pointing them out.
Regarding the odd placement of the boxes themselves, I don’t think I can do much about it. Hopefully it won’t be too problematic.
In regards to the Sorting Hat’s changing shape, the very vague reference to MoO is in its offer to become a pink Alice band with rhinestones along the edges. I’ve dropped an Alice band or two into MoO, and that particular color and type might well be the last thing MoO-Ginny would ever willingly wear on her head. As I said, it’s a very slight reference.
Chatmandu: I’m sure that if I were at the Homecoming Ball, I would very much appreciate Ginny and Claire’s gowns. But that wouldn’t make them appropriate. =)
You’re right. I didn’t do enough research about the etymologies of soveriegn/sovran and savior. Sovereign comes from the Latin superanus, which means “chief, principal” (and no jokes about the spelling are allowed). It was mangled through Old French to reach the current spelling. Savior, on the other hand, comes to us fairly directly from the Latin salvatus, “to save”. I thought I remembered once reading that the words shared a root, whose origins lay in the belief that kings were appointed by god. In that sense, the ruler and the savior were the same person. But apparently my memory made that up. Oh well . . . I’ll leave the story as-is and edit the note.
birlan: It definitely scares me how much I thought about this thing. Every time I read it I think of something else I should have put in (such as the proton pack, which was not in the original SIYE version). I’ve still never seen Basic Instinct, though, and I think I’m happier that way.
Rachel: Thanks very much. This was fun to write, though it was very odd not to have to worry about the actual quality of the outcome. I had to sort of think of the worst thing I could write, put it down, and then resist the urge to fix it.
funny
That really was funny and I have to agree, that in some places, the comments definitely added to it to make it a better story. :)
There have been a few of my stories that I thought would be fun to do "the musical version" of them, where I'd do something like the pop-ups you have here and reference a song and part of the lyrics, to allow the reader to imagine the character breaking out into song at that point. Yeah, I know, a corny idea that's best left alone. :)
Kevin