MetaFic

I think you did a nice job of giving us a glimpse into Dean's character. The best bits, to me, were Dean's ponderance of who his father might have been and why he might have left the family. As a reader, I would have liked to see more of that thought process. What other options has Dean considered, and what do they mean to him?

However, I recognise that such an exploration would not have fit the challenge. And, indeed, that is my main point of hesitation with this story. It is interesting and thought provoking, but to me it does not focus enough on Dean's reaction to the events. The interesting part - Dean's speculation about his own origins - did not clearly tie to Cedric's death and Voldemort's return. He made a sort of decision at the end of the story, which was quite good, but I did not feel that that decision was caused by the events he had witnessed. I think I would have liked to see more of Dean's thoughts about Harry, Cedric, and/or the immediate future. The core was there, in Dean's realisation that Hogwarts was no longer safe and, perhaps, had never been. I would have liked to see more depth in that idea.

Mechanically, I saw very little that was technically incorrect in the writing. In a few places, however, I felt that the word choice and sentence structure detracted from the flow of the story. This challenge forbade the use of betas, of course, and that's the sort of thing a beta could help with. So, given the challenge's restrictions, I think you did a good job.

Overall, the story has an interesting premise and some thoughtful insights into Dean's character, but it needed to tie those elements more closely to the challenge prompt.

Dave

Why didn't Dean ever ask Dumbledore if his father was a wizard? I know. Too obvious.

One of the few things the HP movies do better than the books is convey a sense of teenagers being teenagers. You see the students around Harry, laughing, talking, dancing, and experimenting with magic in a way that emphasizes the school setting. One of my favorite examples of this is in PoA when, on the first night back at Hogwarts, Harry and the other third year boys were hanging out in their dorm room, laughing and eating magical sweets which devolved into a pillow fight. I have to think that Harry’s life was like that most of the time, but it’s not the kind of minutiae that JKR could spend much time examining in her narrative. We do know that Harry spent lots of time with Dean. Even if they weren’t best friends, they were in all their classes together and were roommates. Dean made that banner for Harry for his first Quidditch match. So, for me, Dean’s initial reaction seemed too distant. Yes, he described it as a horror, but it was as if he were merely cataloging the screams and chaos. It felt as if he were disconnected, and he didn’t seem terribly concerned about his clearly injured friend Harry or the dead boy on the ground. Instead he wonders why this way happening to “Potter” (incidentally, Harry’s friends call him Harry, while the Slytherins, some adults, and people like McLaggen call him “Potter”). I think Dean knows exactly why Harry was involved, as Dean had lived with him long enough to get an inkling. Harry’s history with Voldemort alone explains why he would be a target. The lack of emotion or connection in this part didn’t feel right to me.

The next section works better. My first response was that it digressed from the prompt, but on a subsequent read, I’ve changed my mind. It is a logical thought progression for Dean. He does not have many issues in terms of the first war except the nagging question of his parentage. For that reason, it’s not a surprise that his thoughts moved in that direction after what he had just witnessed, especially since he likes to think that his father was trying to protect his family. I did approve of his resolution at the end, specifically that he was part of the wizarding world and that he would not abandon it. I wish his resolve to help Harry had not contained the caveat that he’d help if he wouldn’t get hurt, but I do think it’s realistic. He hasn’t had to face much yet, so I can understand that he might not yet be willing to make a more serious sacrifice. Months later, he risked much by joining the DA and was prepping himself to fight. I think the aforementioned caveat was gone by the time the Final Battle came around. By then, he would be fighting because it was the right thing to do. His resolve certainly fits nicely into future canon.

Technically speaking, your writing is pretty good, and I only saw a few mistakes, which is very good considering no betas were allowed for the challenge. I think what would most help this story would be to flesh it out a bit more, specifically with more focus on Dean’s emotions and thoughts about Harry and Cedric. It felt a bit abrupt at times, so adding more detail and smoothing out some transitions would help in that regard.

Overall, I think you did a good job. Thanks for sharing your work with us.